"I'm A Pro But Business Is Slow So I'm Peddling My Opinions"

Sloan's new album, unfortunately titled Never Hear The End Of It, is the album the Halifax-born Toronto-based band have needed to make since their inception. At 76 minutes and 30 tracks, it has been described by some as their White Album. Yep, the Beatles references and comparisons are starting early, but listing every single influence found on Never Hear The End Of It would take a more knowledgeable girl a lot more time and space than I have. I was lucky enough to get my fangirl hands on a press copy (ooh, I'm a big shot now!) and I'm OVERJOYED to write what is (as far as I know) the very first review ofthe album that I feel will redeem the band to the nay-sayers who trashed their past few endeavors.

I heard the album for the first time on Tuesday at Chart H.Q, and I rode out that high until I returned on Thursday (yesterday). I listened to it while fulfilling my data entry duties and took sneaky notes, thinking that I wouldn't have another opportunity to do so until its release on September 19. Those notes were my initial impressions – basically who sang it, what it sounded like and whetherI liked it – and I'm amazed at how accurate some of the predictions made on the Sloan message board were, both positively and negatively. I asked to bring it home with me so as to elaborate on those notes. Upon hearing that I could, I may or may not have told one of the editors that I love him. Yes, I was THAT excited.

Here's my track-by-track review of Never Hear The End Of It:

Customarily with Sloan, the one who writes the song is also the one doing the vocals. It's easy to distinguish tracks written by guitarist Jay Ferguson from those of Andrew Scott, Chris Murphy or Patrick Pentland because there are obvious lead vocalists. Kickoff track "Flying High Again" is their first album-documented attempt at sharing a song between three of them. Chris and Jay split verse duties in "I Hate MyGeneration" off of Twice Removed, but they (in addition to Patrick) each get a verse. Chris goes first, singing the line that gave the album its name. The chorus includes Andrew and the four part harmonies make the repetition of "Flying High Again" sound like a lost track from The Who's Tommy. Though they don't say it, they're inviting you to join them on their Amazing Journey. Townshend would be proud.

There's already been a flood of discussion about "Who Taught You To Live Like That," the Ferguson-fronted first single that sounds like Norman Greenbaum meets new Belle + Sebastian. Most people adore it, including a big group who don't like Sloan as a rule. My own mother (who has endured more secondhand Sloan than should be allowed) said she wouldn't have recognized it as a Sloan track at all. Jay is by far the strongest songwriter on NHTEOI, even if (as Sofi pointed out) "thesis" and "beneath us" is a forced rhyme. Even looking at it critically (which I admit I have been negligent to do in the past as far as Sloan is concerned), "Who Taught You To Live Like That" is near-flawless.

Andrew Scott's first contribution since 2001's Pretty Together is the aggressive "I've Gotta Try." I think there was more pressure on Andrew than the others for this album, and for the most part he comes through for us. With its falsetto chorus, psychedelic ooh-wee-oohs and signature dirge-esque voice, this is exactly what we've been missing all this time.

While the album – for the most part – blows everything they've released since Between The Bridges right out of the water, there are a few clunkers. Upon seeing the tracklist, one girl on the message board commented that the titles of several of Murphy's tracks sounded like they were stolen right off of a Lindsay “Firecrotch” Lohan record. We all had a good laugh about that, but the comparisons ended up being tragically fair. Take the fourth track "Everybody Wants You" as an example: Chris has been reading his diaries from middle school again. Vocally he's stronger than he's ever been before, but lyrics like "Everybody wants youuuuuuuuu / Everybody diiiiiiiiiiiies / whenever they're around youuuuuuuuuu / so it comes as no surpriiiiiiiiiiiiiise / that I feel the way I do today" are NOT the way to showcase his prowess.

What's this at the beginning of "Listen To The Radio?" Is that SYNTH?! Wow, Patrick. You're being very experimental! You took "Loosens" and added a drum line! Chris and Patrick duet and sound great in this lullaby-esque piano pop tune. Patrick said he wasn't writing anymore rock songs and with results like this, I'm totally fine with that. If he keeps it up, I might just have to switch to his team... sorry Chris!

Ah, the probable second single: "Fading Into Obscurity." Chris attempts again to be vulnerable and this time he succeeds. There are about twelve tempo changes and they all work together. The vocal improvements are even more obvious and lyrics about cakes and batter don't seem out of place. This could very well be a signature Chris song: catchy, ridiculous, tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating and – much like that nerdy guy you secretly loved in high school – inexplicably sexy.

At a mere 52 seconds, Andrew's '60s rocker "I Can't Sleep" is a hard retro-rocker. Patrick sings backup and their contrasting voices have a frenetic electricity when combined. After three less-lively tunes, "I Can't Sleep" is like a kick to the shin – the by the time the shock wears off, there's not much more to experience.

Maybe Chris Murphy should stop trying to be romantic. Almost all the misses and near-misses on the album come courtesy of him, especiallywith tracks like "Someone That I Can Be True With." Actually, I take that back. SICBTW can stay because the cheesy line "You won't forget /a beautiful brunette / with eyes of chocolate" could just as easily be about me, even though I know better. Handclaps make up for the forced rhythm, but he harmonizes with himself and that could be difficult to pull off during a live performance. Also, he goes into detail describing all the things he and his beautiful brunette do together:"She's someone to hate all things new with / she's someone to laugh in the pews with / she's someone to watch Gremlins II with / someone to not watch The View with." While those lyrics will someday make the song feel dated, today they endear him to me even more.

Most people LOL when we talk about Jay's many ladies, but he totally plays in up in "Right Or Wrong." With a piano part to rival Ben Folds', he sings "Right or wrong we're breaking their hearts again /Yeah now, this one's for the girls / there's no particular one in the world." Halfway through the song, though, the roles have reversed and suddenly all his girls are breaking HIS heart. Only Jay could get away with writing a song like that and actually have MORE girls cooing over him by the time it finishes.

While the title may seem like a continuation of the one previous, Andrew's anthemic "Something's Wrong" is about as far from a Jaypop song as it gets. Half "Never Seeing The Ground For The Sky," half obscure-classic-rock-band-most-people-have-never-heard. It's a great combination.

One of my favourite tracks is "Ana Lucia," Chris's ode to Sloan manager / unofficial fifth member Mike Nelson's infant daughter. With lyrics like "You really know how to hurt a guy / when I'm around you start to cry" and "You should pick on someone your own size," the lyrics can be quite confusing without the back story. Though the chorus is annoying with Chris and Patrick yelp-harmonizing, I don't think Ana Lucia will mind once she gets old enough to understand how kick-ass her song is.

A few months ago on their radio show, Jay said "I've recorded some pretty friggin' jaunty piano parts." He MUST have been talking about "Before The End Of The Race." Jay needs a poncey Lord Fauntleroy hatwith a feather when he plays this song live (a cookie to the first person to photoshop that). He rocks it up with tambourines and handclaps (signature Jay!), but there is little sweeter than Jay crooning about lost love. I don't know why, but it's still hard for me to picture Jay "waking up in the arms of another." When the piano isn't played, the song has a very "500 Up" feel to it, especially in the introduction.

Holy crap! How did Sloan get Elvis Costello to perform "Blackout" for them? Oh, it's just Andrew singing about drinking. This song would rock so hard live. I am looking forward to the promotional tour evenmore if just for this song.

If the Meligrove Band's hit "Before We Arrive" was a rip-off of "I Wanna Thank You," isn't it strange how Patrick's song "I Understand" sounds a lot like Let It Grow-era Meligroves? Upbeat and poppy and juvenile… actually, it's very similar to the song he wrote for the upcoming children's program Rollplay. Instead of repeating "Felix the frog" a dozen times, he repeats "I understand." He learned from his Action Pact mistakes and proves that he truly is the most rock'n of all the silver foxes.

Chris needs to make up his mind – are things going to work out between his lady love or not? In "You Know What It's About," he channels his inner Lennon (Beatles comparison #2) and keys up a tragic breakup song. His major error was trying to fit ten syllables in a line made to fit five. If only all breakups were as slow, mellow, short and sweet as this song...

In an interview last December, Patrick informed me that some of his songs would have a psychedelic feel to them. Andrew must have taken Patrick's idea to the next level because "Golden Eyes" is a musical acid trip unlike any heard since the '70s. Andrew never seemed like the tie-dyed t-shirt type until now.

One of my favourite songs off of Pretty Together (admittedly there aren't a lot) is Jay's ode to the younger woman "Dreaming Of You." On Never Hear The End Of It, we have "Can't You Figure It Out," a song that feels like its undeserving sequel. The tone is a poor copy, the feelings aren't as sincere, the confusion more frustrating and this time Jay's got a heartbreaking nonchalance about the affair. Though punctuated by (predictably) handclaps and harmonizing with Chris, this is Jay's weakest song, possibly ever.

Sure, Chris admits to being a fame whore in "Summer's My Season," but nothing to compare with "Set In Motion," the silliest song on the new album. Apparently someone wrote a book about Chris's life and they want to make a movie about it. Chris protested but was told he agreed to everything years ago. He didn't want some stupid actor messing it all up, so he played himself. He just wants to set the record straight, though – he "doesn't do nude scenes or [his] own stunts."Apparently it's a big metaphor for all the things in life we can't stop. I liked it a lot better before I knew there was a lesson.

Like a line from the film Love, Actually, Andrew has a song called"Love Is All Around." It sounds like generic retro song, and I find it hard to get excited about it. It's not as romantic as he thinks it is– it's just lame.

Lindsay's influence over Chris is back by the time he sings "Will I Belong." Apparently Chris is really lonely and would love to just fit in. Pardon me while I don’t care as he reflects on how hard school is for an outcast. You’re what, almost 40? I know you just had your 20th reunion but that’s really no reason to justify this. Thank goodness this song is only 1:20 long… any more elaboration and we’d have the premise for Mean Girls 2: Girls Don’t Make Passes.

Here we go… “Ill Placed Trust” has finally made its way to an album. Every so often Patrick will bust out this rocker at a festival show. Those who have yet to experience it regarded it mythically: how can we be so sure that we didn’t imagine it? Well imagine waking up from a wonderful, rhythm-heavy distorted dream only to find that your friend heard it too. Props go to Patrick for referencing his own song when Chris asks “can you feel it?” and he replies “I can feel it.”

I really hope that Sloan bring a piano when the tour to promote this album, because they’d be hard pressed to play most of their better songs without it. Among those is “Live The Life You’re Dreaming Of,” a forlorn ballad reminiscent of Murph’s glory days. “I’m a pro / but business is slow / so I’m peddling my opinions” made me laugh when I first heard it. My immediate second thought was that I’ve been watching too much Law & Order recently because I swore he meant pro to mean prostitute. Also, Chris has regained some of his smugness in the line “everyone of you knows what it’s like to surrender to me completely.” Well if you write more songs like this, Chris, maybe we’ll surrender again.

While Chris is revisiting his angst-ridden youth, Andrew and Patrick are dealing with grown-up issues in “Living With The Masses:” lousy neighbours and their incessant renovating! What’s a rocker to do when he can’t get any sleep? Turn the amp up to eleven and speak out against them.

“HFXNSHC” (or “Hard Core” for short) is certainly Sloan’s punkiest song. In the aforementioned Patrick interview he mentioned that All Used Up was the closest thing he’d written, but comparing the two is like comparing a blue mohawk to a strawberry blonde mullet. Like all great punk songs, the bass line thumps and the lyrics are indiscernible. He may have used the term “newbie generation” but I can’t be sure. It sure sounds like it. Who knew Paddy was so 1337? Don’t make me make a pwny da l00k joke…

I really don’t know what’s going on with Chris on this album. Whether Firecrotch got to him or if his therapist told him to revisit his adolescence or if he’s trying to cash in on the latest generation of emo bands, there’s no real excuse for songs like “People Think They Know Me.” The title says it all, really. At least he tried something new instrumentally – steel string countrified gee-tar!

Here’s a concept: let’s have Andrew sing a Cardigans song. Obviously they couldn’t get the rights to “Lovefool” so Andrew had to write his own. The result? “I Know You.”

I don’t know why I’ve got such issues with the thought of Chris Murphy settling down. Maybe because it seems that the happier he is, the more he wants to write about it and we end up with songs like “Last Time In Love,” an overly emotional ballad about how he realizes that he might never fall in love with someone else again. Excuse us while we gag. Also his rhyming scheme (the same one used throughout the entirety of his portion of the album) is getting REALLY tired at this point. That particular trend carries over into the next song, “It’s Not The End Of The World.” Oooh Oooh Ooohs and slide guitar can’t possibly compensate for “It’s not the end of the world / Into a ball you are curled.”

As previously stated, Jay songs often take better-than-usual albums and make them extraordinary. “Light Years,” the penultimate track on Never Hear The End Of It, shows that Jay has been spending just as much time listening to lounge singers as he has old-school indie rock. Ferguson realizes that he could never pull off the ol’ Sinatra style with the same flare, so he improvises with – what else – handclaps. Just when I thought Jay’s lexicon couldn’t get more delightful (he coined the term “totes,” after all) he goes and uses the word “aloof” to describe how he acted towards a girl.

Despite his gutterballs, Chris comes through when it really matters – the closer. Usually Sloan albums end with a plaintive, lush rhapsody but NHTEOI ends with a bang. Energentic, strong… I didn’t want to hear the end of it. For all of its mistakes, it serves as a reminder for why Sloan have been my favourite band for so long - they're just full of surprises.

-Cap'n Allegra