Like A Zero Drowning In A Sea Of Higher Numbers...

(I have absolutely no idea how to make a title, so I'll settle for bolding and italicizing for now.)

In light of Death From Above 1979's split - which was not really news to people who followed the band but still shocking enough to everyone else to get media coverage - I wanted to make a post about bands I wish would call it quits. I even discussed the subject with friends Martina, Jay and Andi last Friday. I'm not talking about bands that every music blogger wishes would just disappear... Fall Out Boy and Staind don't top my list. I'm talking about bands for whom indie kids everywhere would fall on their demin-distressed-on-purposed knees and cry woefully "why couldn't they have made another album?!" These are bands I've disliked from the first time I heard them and bands who will never be able to re-create the glory days; bands who have lead and bands who have followed; bands whose time has, well, passed.

1) Metric

Now that she's got a solo album coming out later this year, Emily Haines's already all-encompassing ego doesn't even need her unstellar backup band anymore. Their performances have gone downhill since the release of the lacklustre Live It Out. Here's a snippet from a review I wrote of their Toronto performance at the Kool Haus in February:

"I didn't know what to expect. I know I'm going to get lynched by everyone ever, but Live It Out wasn't all that great and Emily Haines as a person has totally overshadowed my view of Emily Haines as a performer. I don't even think Emily Haines as a performer is as great as people say. Their music isn't really innovative and I've stopped trying to figure out what they're trying to say in their songs. It's catchy, it's fun and it doesn't mean anything to me, and I think that that's why I didn't have an AWFUL time: I didn't care that Emily is terrible at stage banter (She spoke to the audience twice, once to thank the opening bands and once to say that we were the first show on the tour), or that she was more focused on showing off her underwear than she was on acknowledging the crowd.
Here's a suggestion, Toots: It's not cool to spend the whole performance singing to stage left. Maybe you could get the roadies to position the keyboard so that you can look at the audience. You've got a great voice but maybe have the mic a little louder so that the audience doesn't out-sing you. Maybe you could look like you're NOT bored out of your mind. Were you not Emily Haines I don't think the audience would have put up with that kind of malarky."

In an ideal world, the audience wouldn't. My suggestion would be to call it all off now and get Emily more publicity. You know it's not about Joules, Jimmy and The Other One With A J-Name anyway...

2) Audioslave

It's mostly about me hating the sound of Chris Cornell's voice and that I had to wake up to "Show Me How To Live" all through grade 11.

Soundgarden was one of the better uber-popular grunge bands, but now Cornell just seems to be following general trends. After grunge came post grunge (Alice In Chains), followed by a singer-songwriter schtick before finding his home making Generic Alternative Rock. While GAR seems to be losing steam (and thank Murph for that [yes, I diefied Chris Murphy, get used to it]), it was all rock radio would play back when Audioslave formed in 2001. Remember the #1 song of that year? It was "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback, who are arguably the KINGS of the Generic Alternative Rock genre. I never understood the appeal of having Chris Cornell as a frontman. His wikipedia entry says "He is considered to be one of the most talented vocalists and songwriters in the rock industry." Compared to who? Corey Taylor? Fred Durst?! Okay, comparitively I can see it. Just don't make me listen to it.

Following this trend, Audioslave aren't gonna last to make another record - Cornell will have grown a beard and moved on to indie crooning. THAT will be even more painful than "Like A Stone."

3) Modest Mouse

Effing hell, did you hear about Johnny Marr joining Modest Mouse as a permanent band member? Yet ANOTHER thing standing in the way of a Smiths reunion! My friend Evan told me to check them out four years ago, and I was unimpressed with the songs he sent me. Then, just a little over a year later they become super-popular with "Float On" and "Ocean Breathes Salty" off of Good News For People Who Love Bad News. I bought the album secondhand for $6 and I felt like I overpaid. So bored was I that I left the Broken Social Mouse show (which they were headlining) after two tracks. I wasn't the only one - the ferry trip back to Toronto was packed. If a mildly mainstream band can't keep the interest of the mildly mainstream kids both before AND after re-inventing itself as a pop band, you're not doing it right.

Also, Isaac Brock seems like the second most boring interviewee in indie rock.

4) The Arcade Fire

Two lines up I mentioned that Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse seemed to be the second most boring interviewee. The winner of the prize, though, is Richard Reed Perry of The Arcade Fire. I had to transcribe Nardwuar's interview with him and it was the longest three hours of my life. My hate-on for the Arcade Fire isn't even a recent thing (you know, now all the cool kids have disowned them since they became popular). First of all, I REALLY dislike Funeral as an album. Win Butler's caterwauling is ridiculously overrated and the whole business is far too prententious by half. When I express my feelings, I usually hear something like "well don't judge them until you've seen them perform live!!!!"

I have. I saw them play with DFA1979, Sam Roberts, Buck65, BSS, Pilate, The Constantines, The Stills and Sloan. I had no idea who they were and, judging by the turnout for the first two bands (which were DFA1979 and TAF), neither did anyone else. They were tight enough, I guess, but nothing mind-blowing. Régine had a glazed look on her face, and it seemed as though she had no idea what she was doing. The saving grace was Howard Bilerman, their producer/drummer. My friend Bevka and I made up a song about him (and how much he resembled our grade 10 science teacher) to the tune of Spiderman:
Bilerman, Bilerman, friendly neighbour of Spiderman / gets his mail every day / pays his rent / might be gay / LOOKOUT! / here comes the Bilerman. Unfortunately for everyone, he doesn't drum for the Arcade Fire anymore so I have no qualms with saying that the praise heaped on them is undeserved. Besides, aren't there 2057820572 more talented Canadian bands who struggle for a SLICE of the success that The Arcade Fire receive(d)? Time to bow out gracefully while they're ahead.

Have I offended anyone? Good. Get pissy-defensive in the comment box so that I can laugh at you. I need that right now, kay?

Now Listening To: Zero 7 - "Destiny"